Forgiveness

I have encountered quite a few things in this life in my short 22 years. The two things that have kept me from being mentally damaged is having the pure understanding that I am not responsible for what others do and that you forgive people FOR YOU so as not to carry animosity and anger in your heart.

My own father deprived me of a child hood. I was abused physically and  mentally. I was told my mother didn't love me and I was exposed to a woman who claimed to be a motherly figure but imposed her own jealousy of me, on me. When I was 12, I had long thick hair; my father sat me in a chair, picked all my hair into a fro, and shaved it off with clippers while I sat w my eyes open in terror. My step mother sent me to school the next day with four puff balls on top and I went to a predominately white school. Yes, they made fun of me and yes my friends and my teachers asked who did it to me. I didn't even bother to tell.  

I had been to 8 different Elementary schools and each time I tried to tell someone that I was being abused he lied about it and we moved. There's only 6 fucking grades in Elementary and I was tired of starting over. One day; I was lucky enough for one woman, a young black social worker, who called each and every one of those elementary schools and after she hit the one, who informed her of my fractured wrist (also broken by my father and still doesn't sit right) she came to MY ACTUAL HOUSE! A few days later, someone was there to tell me that I was going to live with my mom and there was no judge who could tell her no. My father drove me to the airport, barely hugged me goodbye and never spoke to me again. 

Earlier this May, I lost my Aunt. My aunt was his sister and just when I thought I'd never see my aunts and uncle, my beloved grandparents or cousins again; she called. I don't know how she was able to reach me, but I was blessed with summers in New York, Indiana, and Georgia just to see them. My happiness was always the most important and when I realized that, I knew to always be happy even when you think you'll be left with nothing.

When she died no one wanted to tell my father. She had cancer and my family had been trying to get him to call her. Well, despite my broken heart; I called. When I called he had absolutely nothing to say and all this time; I thought I was going to curse him out, swear on his children's mother and tell him; "Thank you dad for abandoning me all those years ago because I turned out fucking great." but I didn't. I informed him and all he could say was "sorry you had to tell me. sorry for your aunt". I said "oh, aight." and clicked the line. I honestly, laughed to myself and said "I knew he was a sorry mf, I knew it." A part of me just wanted to believe that his 'right mind' was still there.

I tell you these minor stories bc if I hadn't took the time out to evaluate the situation , forgive and understand that I was just a child and there was nothing I could've done; I'd have what most people call "Daddy Issues". I wouldn't have been able to show him that I was the bigger person. I am that man's first child while he cares for 5 other children. There were times he beat me and I thought I was dead, but no God had other plans. I have 2 sisters, a little brother who adores me and a mother who never leaves or switches up on me. I have friends who love and support me along w co workers who do the same. 

I forgave someone who never even said they're sorry and to this very day; I forgive for the sake of my well being. Carrying negativity from anything or anyone is self sabotage. Understand the dynamics of yourself and the people around you.